


I Should Know By Now

by nawsies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, I'm Bad At Tagging, Insecurity, M/M, Reincarnation, Slow Burn, Soul Bond, allura coran and shiro are all there in the background but they don't do much, ish, they're still in space is what I'm getting at there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 14:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8165317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nawsies/pseuds/nawsies
Summary: "Lance had heard the songs, watched the movies, built a fairy tale of how the day he met his soul mate would go; he knew that when you saw them they were supposed to make you more than you ever were."Lance has lived five lives with five different soul mates, none of them have gone well. When he meets Keith he can't imagine this life being any different, until they end up part of a team of lion-robot-pilot-heroes in space and suddenly Keith liking him back wouldn't be the most impossible thing to happen to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lottienaut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottienaut/gifts).



> Everything I write is self indulgent and this is no exception.
> 
> [Lottie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lottienaut/pseuds/lottienaut) deserves infinite thanks for listening to me ramble about this idea for so long, and so, I dedicate this hot mess to you.

_Yes, be patient with me. My heart is heavy._

\- Albert Camus

* * *

Lance ducked under the gladiator’s arm and blasted it in the back mostly on instinct. Allura called him out on his ‘poor form’ and he resisted the urge to flip her off. Honestly, he was patting himself on the back for how far he’d come since he started training, now he was efficiently taking out level three gladiators without putting any real effort in. Unfortunately it meant his mind was free to wander down paths best left untraveled. He pushed his hair out of his eyes, taking the brief period where the gladiator had to rematerialize to try get his focus back. In training he didn’t have the same meditative way of fighting that the other Paladins had, when they fought it was like the rest of the world fell away and all there was, was the opponent in front of them.

 “Lance! Watch your back!” Keith yelled. Lance twisted round and blasted the gladiator that had rematerialized without him noticing.

“Piss off Keith I was fine.”

“That’s the thanks I get for saving your ass?”

“It’s a training exercise, excuse me for not being ecstatic about you saving me from a couple of bruises.”

“What the fuck is your problem man?”

“Nothing.” Lance gritted his teeth and readjusted his blaster, turning away from Keith to the gladiator across the training room and sniping its head off. Everyone in the room had to know it was a lie but he was glad no one called him out on it. It wasn’t like he could tell the truth; that he couldn’t focus when Keith was in the room because the memories of past lives he usually repressed overwhelmed him. The fact that Keith was his soul mate wasn’t exactly something he wanted to broadcast to the world, for a number of reasons.

Lance had heard the songs, watched the movies, built a fairy tale of how the day he met his soul mate would go; he knew that when you saw them they were supposed to make you more than you ever were. When Lance saw Keith for the first time it was as though five nooses wrapped themselves round his neck and every day since he feared when the floor would fall out from under him. It was as though five knives flayed him leaving his flaws on display for the world to see. When he looked at Keith for the first time, he fell to pieces, a rapid fire of memories set fire to his paper skin. 

It didn’t help that Keith was just so effortlessly good at everything Lance had to work his ass off for. Lance spent years working on a reputation, a persona, a façade, whatever you wanted to call it; long ago as a broken child in his bedroom looking at posters of his heroes he made up an image of himself he wanted to live up to and ever since falling short just wasn’t an option. Unfortunately at the Garrison Keith became the bar he measured himself against. It didn’t help that when he saw Keith nearly a year after him dropping out, the bastard didn’t even remember him. Lance had bitten down a hurricane of anger inside himself at that. It would hurt to be forgotten by anyone really, but worst of all though was that this guy was supposed to be his soul mate. There was a connection between them that he wouldn’t feel with anyone else for the rest of this life, and he didn’t even remember him. So Lance mocked and insulted him. He’d built a rivalry from small moments of competition that only he had been aware of in an attempt to make sure that Keith would never forget him again. 

Somehow in all of their history he’d never once managed to muster the courage to bring up the connection between them, to ask what Keith wanted to do about it, if he even felt it at all in the first place. In fairness, Keith hadn’t asked either. Lance had thought about bringing it up nearly every day since they’d all been in space together. He didn’t know if it was pride or fear that kept him from asking but, it was getting harder to…

“Lance!” Allura yelled. Lance snapped back to attention just in time to use his blaster to whack the gladiator across the face and send them sprawling a few metres before disappearing.

“Well, that’s an unorthodox method of using a blaster.” Coran’s fingers were dancing over the controls as he shut the training simulation down.

“On that note, I think I’ll call it quits for the day.” At Lance’s side his bayard shifted back to his stasis form and he tucked it in his back pocket as he gave an over dramatic bow. He dashed out of the room before Coran could ask him to clean the cryo pods with him – never again. The whole time he felt Keith’s eyes on him. 

Lance wandered down the halls trying to get the edges of his thoughts back together, he was all over the place after that training session. It wasn’t usually so bad. Back on Earth he’d calm down by walking outside barefoot with the earth shifting under his feet or just, by standing there feeling the sun on his skin warming his aching bones. Out in space, he found the pieces of home he could hold onto. He found himself making his way towards the kitchen, knowing that Hunk would help him work through this mess. Lance worked through things better with someone to soundboard ideas off anyway.

Hunk was in the middle of yet another battle in his endless task of making the food goo into something a little less horrifying.

“Give up. That stuff is too healthy and it is the law of the multiverse that anything good for you will always be unmentionable green gloop.” Lance settled himself down on the kitchen bench, setting his legs into a rhythm tapping against the cupboards as he swung them. “It’s like a wheat grass smoothie.”

Hunk rolled his eyes at him and continued adding a red powder to the goo. “And you’re never going to beat Keith’s high score with the gladiator, it doesn’t stop you from trying.”

“Ouch buddy.” Lance had tried to keep his tone light but Hunk knew him to well and realised immediately that he’d hit a nerve. He set down the food goo and leaned forward on the counter in the middle of the kitchen that separated them.

“Is that why you came here after training instead of showering like you should be?”

“Kind of.”

“Oh no, that’s your mopey face, what happened?”

Lance groaned, the problem with knowing Hunk since they were kids was he knew how to read him far too well. Also that he had embarrassing photos of him in all of the phases he went through in high school that should never see the light of day.

“Soul mate bond stuff.” Lance muttered. 

“Why are you thinking about that dick back on Earth who doesn’t know what a soul bond feels like? He’s not worth it.” Hunk went back to the food goo like the problem was solved and Lance took a deep breath. First time saying it aloud, felt like the moment should be more momentous than this.

“He’s not back on Earth. My soul mate is Keith.”

Hunk dropped the bowl of food goo. “Keith?”

“Yup.”

“Is your soul mate?”

“Bingo.”

“Like, Keith, the Red Paladin Keith, this Keith, aboard this space Castle, who you fight with daily, that Keith, is your soul mate? Are you sure?”

“Unfortunately.”

The food goo on the floor seemed to be entirely forgotten as Hunk leant back on the counter again, shaking his head slowly while his expression seemed to shift between shock, denial, confusion, more shock and finally acceptance. Lance waited it out, giving him the time he needed to process, he stopped kicking the cupboard and settled for rubbing his hands on his knees slowly.

“How didn’t I see it?” Hunk had that satisfied look he had when the pieces of an equation finally fell together for him. “Do you think he felt the strong connection to Blue because of his soul’s connection to yours?”

“If that’s it then he has more of a connection to Blue than to me.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Lance was now picking at the cuffs of his jacket, nothing felt natural anymore, every movement suddenly felt staged and he couldn’t get comfy. “It’s just, I always loved the idea of soul mates you know? We learned about them in school remember, we got to choose a research topic and write an essay and I wrote about them, I got an A too. I wanted that connection so badly, someone to understand me and complement me and all the fate and stars and romance.” His fractured thoughts finally stitched together and he realised why it was so much harder to act natural around Keith. “…I want it to be him.”

Hunk was quiet, waiting for him to go on, to explain this epiphany that Lance was only just beginning to understand himself. 

“I always loved the idea, I wanted the idea but now…I want Keith. I don’t know, when this happened I just, I know that we were bonding, but, I don’t know. I think I actually want Keith to be my soul mate, however that works. That’s why the flashbacks are so much worse now. I want Keith, and romantically, not, platonically. I think I could make him happy if he would choose me.” Lance’s eyes were wide as he looked up and stared at Hunk aghast. “Oh my quiznak, I have a crush on Keith.”

“I don’t think your using that word right.” Hunk said.

“That’s really what you’re going to say?” Lance was incredulous. “I have a life-changing moment and all you comment on is my use of the word ‘quiznak’? It’s not even a word!”

“I think I’m all surprised out thanks to the whole ‘Keith is your soul mate thing’. Is it really that shocking that you’d develop feelings for him?”

“Yes! He’s insufferable! He’s brooding and proud and thinks a mullet is a good fashion choice.”

“Let it go Lance. You wanted my advice right?” Hunk walked over and wrapped his arms tight round Lance’s shoulders, propping his chin on his forehead and squeezing tightly. Hunk healed with hugging and Lance was grateful. “Talk to him, like he’s a person, not like he’s your rival or like he’s your soul mate just like you would talk to me or Pidge. That’s where any relationship starts.”

“And here I was hoping for a magic loophole to the whole mess of getting to know someone.” Lance chuckled weakly as he pulled back and leapt to the side off the counter.

“Most advice is just someone telling you what you already know in a different way.” Hunk picked up the bowl of food goo, most of which had miraculously stayed in the bowl. He tasted it, his face scrunching in disgust and he spat it out again. “You might be right about the health food, I think I made it worse.”

“It’s a curse, I know all about curses, look at my good looks and charm,” Lance shot Hunk finger guns as he backed out toward the door. Out in the hall he shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way back to his room. Just talk to him, Lance thought to himself, easy enough.

  


* * *

  


Lance was haunted by five ghosts full of a forever’s worth of promises. In each life he started wide-eyed and excited, waiting for love to find him and make life magical. He was kindling waiting to be set alight. Each life he fell apart.

He never found his soul mate in the first life. He was nearly 30 when his soul mate had died, he never even found out how. He spent the rest of his life grieving for someone he never met, for promises never made, never kept, never broken.

The second time around, he lived his whole life not knowing of his first life’s grief. Looking back now it felt as though the universe gave him a chance to let that wound scar over. At the time, he lived a whole life with lungs full of smoke, a glass half empty that had never felt half full, wishing for someone to fill the gaps in his heart where fear had made itself home.

When he saw his soul mate in his third life, he was so relieved. Now he knew the pain of his last two lives and it hurt so much but it was OK because they were here and it didn’t matter, it felt like another person’s problem, another person’s pain. They only spent three months together before they found someone else and they left him. He didn’t know what was left for him. He felt so broken, he couldn’t remember how it felt to hope. He was so full of doubt. He was choking on bitterness and regret and his own inadequacy. Of all the ghosts that haunted him, his third life was the worst.

Fourth, maybe he was still broken after his third life because when he looked at his soul mate his whole world fell into place and they felt nothing at all. They had already found fate with someone else a long time ago and there was no space in their lives for a man with nowhere to call home. He let them go.

Fifth life was a repeat of the third until the moment where he should have fell apart. Instead he mapped the night sky, found himself in the gaps between the stars, the roads between the destinations, the liminal spaces undefined. His fifth ghost was the only one to give him strength, to whisper words of encouragement, to show him that although history like stories played itself out again and again on different stages with different players, if it all fell apart then he had the strength to put himself back together again.  

  


* * *

  


If pride cometh before the fall, Lance thought to himself, then maybe humility comes before the rise. It was time to change the rivalry. Competing with Keith was such a massive part of their relationship that he wasn’t sure he could let it go and anyway, it wasn’t like he had to let go of playful banter and teasing to be friends. He just had to, stop fostering the bitterness in his words that threatened to tear them apart. He had to stop measuring himself against Keith and come to appreciate his own strengths. He also had to talk to Keith. None of that sounded too hard which perfectly explained why he’d put off the conversation for days. Hunk had started glaring at him, giving him pointed looks and then jerking his head in Keith’s direction. He was the master of subtlety. Those pointed glances had led him here, scripting a conversation in his head as he sat by the door of the training room with Keith doing his cool down stretches in front of him.

“You know the training room is for actually, training?” Keith was staring down at him with his left arm hooked by his left elbow. “Or have you finally taken up meditation?”

“Yeah, no, not really my thing.” Lance grimaced at the thought of sitting still for hours at a time, thinking.

“Maybe you should try it, patience yields focus and you need more of both.”

“Your one to talk about ‘patience’.” Lance felt guilty as Keith’s eyebrows furrowed, the only indication that his words hadn’t been as teasing as he hoped. Lance fumbled through his thoughts for another conversation topic since it looked like Keith wasn’t going to try again. “What level are you at now?”

“Seven. Sometimes eight.”

Lance let out a low whistle. “Impressive.”

“No comment about how much better you are?” Keith sat beside him and bent forward from the hips to grab his ankles. Lance bit down a comment about how he may not be better at gladiator fighting but he was certainly more flexible, it was a bit soon after the last jab to try again. This was his first attempt at being friendly and he didn’t want his competitiveness to be misunderstood, again.

 “I got my ass handed to me by a level six, I don’t think I want to step in the ring with this fight. Gladiators aren’t really my forte.”

“If you’re not here to brag then what do you want?” There was a bite to Keith’s voice that Lance hadn’t expected.

“Have I been so rude that it’s a surprise for me to just want to chat to you?” Lance asked.

“Not lately,” Keith shrugged, “but you have Hunk and Pidge and, even Shiro is better company than me. I’m not, chatty.”

“Well, I’m good at talking, you can ask me questions if you’re so uncomfortable answering mine.” Lance offered. The way the conversation was going he had figured this was a lost cause, that he was just a nuisance to Keith but to his surprise, he actually looked grateful for the offer. Lance gave himself a gold star for effort.

The training room was silent while Keith gathered his thoughts, save for the constant hum of the Castle and Keith’s own steady breathing as he finished off the last of his cool down stretches.

“Where’s your favourite place you’ve travelled to?” Keith asked finally. Lance couldn’t stifle the laughter that bubbled up from his chest, it echoed around the training room and there was no hiding it behind his hand as he tried to do.

“I’m sorry, it’s just you sound like you memorized that from one of those ‘101 small talk conversation topics’ posts,” Lance was still laughing but at Keith’s mortified expression he stopped with a grin stuck firmly in place. “You did, didn’t you?”

“Look, I’m not, good at this and when I started at the Garrison I wanted to be better with people and…” Keith folded his arms and leaned back against the wall. “You going to answer or what?”

Lance let him have this one, Keith was so honest and sincere it would just be malicious to mock him further in this moment. He was learning the boundaries and he would toe them. “I’m assuming back on Earth and I’m going to guess you mean a different country because, everyone knows my home town owns my soul but, I went to New Zealand once. I took off for a few months before I needed to be back at the Garrison and it was epic. Knowing I was never more than three hours from a beach was the best feeling. I climbed a sacred mountain, went surfing in this town that was the most hippie place I have ever seen, explored caves full of glow worms and I was so, at peace there. Every day was an adventure. After that I flew up to Fiji, me and some friends hired a boat and sailed round the islands. It was no Varadero beach but, it was something.”

“I think that counts as two places.”

“Count yourself lucky, two answers for the price of one.” Lance shrugged.

“Except for the Paladins, who is your favourite person that you know?” Keith pointedly ignored Lance’s comment and shifted the conversation onto more stable ground.

“That’s easy, my mum. She went through the whole thing with…” Lance’s voice cut off abruptly, his mouth twisting in a grimace. “She’s been through a lot and through it all, she’s been so damn strong. Her and my dad are both incredible but, she gets me better than he does. She has this way with people, she reads them so quickly and knows exactly what to say. She can meet someone and be their best friend like that,” Lance snapped his fingers to emphasise the point.

A companionable silence fell over them both as the echo of Lance’s snap faded away. It was clear Lance wasn’t going to share anymore on that topic, not that he didn’t want to it was just that his homesickness was a pacing beast inside his chest and he couldn’t go long talking about his family without it consuming him. He appreciated that Keith didn’t comment on Lance’s fumble, that he didn’t press further for more stories, that he too understood Lance’s boundaries and respected them. Lance got the feeling that Keith was trying as hard as he was, if not harder, and it was a comforting thought.

“Is it cool if I ask you the questions you’ve asked me, since they’re scripted from a blog post and all?” Lance didn’t want to actually cross his fingers in case Keith noticed but he hoped the feeling still went out into the universe and gave him good vibes.

“I’m not…” Keith started. He sighed, stretched out once more to try reach his toes, even though he’d long since finished his cool down stretches, and made a pleased noise when his fingertips brushed his foot. He held the pose for a moment and then drew back up. “I still don’t know why you’re doing this. I’ll answer all your questions just, when I know that it’s not for some dumb prank.”

“Oh,” no amount of finger crossing could change that answer. Lance felt a bitter hollow in his stomach as he thought about how badly he must’ve been hurting Keith with this rivalry that he wouldn’t even trust him to answer basic questions about himself and his life. “That’s fair.”

‘But um, can I ask you more anyway?” Keith asked. “This is, nice.”

“Of course, don’t want to cut this bonding moment short.” Lance bumped Keith’s shoulder with his own and their answering grin filled the hollows in his chest.

“So um, you like beaches? Do you surf?”

“Hell yeah I do, I usually use the mini mal I learned on but I love the shortboard feel when the surf’s good enough…you look completely lost.” Lance laughed. He started explaining surfing basics to Keith, going over types of boards and swell, telling him how he had met Hunk in his dad’s learn to surf class.

Lance shifted off the wall turning his whole body to face Keith, he liked having the freedom to use as many hand gestures as he liked without fearing accidentally punching Keith in the face. Keith relaxed as Lance spoke, slouching against the wall now with his arms behind his head and smiling softly at the training room around them, turning to Lance only to add observations or ask questions where they arose.

They stayed like that for hours, sitting on the training room floor with Lance telling stories about whatever Keith wanted to hear. Lance was a great story teller, years of reading to younger siblings and cousins gave him a flair for theatrics that made whatever story he told fun and vibrant, whether it was the merits of a longboard over a shortboard or his first dog, a spaniel named Twinkle. Lance’s eyebrows moved at a thousand miles a minute, expressions shifting seamlessly with his stories even though Keith was rarely looking to appreciate them. Every now and again when he got over excited about something or simply lost the word he was looking for in English he’d drop into Spanish and noticed Keith smiled fondly each time it happened. Long after the other Paladins would’ve gone to sleep, they finally rose stiff and sore from sitting on the harsh castle floor for so long and walked each other to their rooms, parting ways with a fist bump and soft thanks lost to the castle’s gentle whirr.

  


* * *

  


The gladiator swung its sword where Lance’s head had been moments before he bent over backwards to scramble away. Bless his sister for convincing him to take up yoga with her all those years ago. While he knew that the gladiator’s sword would stop before doing any lasting damage it was still a nerve wracking experience having a giant laser sword slicing towards your neck.

Four nights of finding Keith after he finished training and answering any questions the other boy had and Lance had somehow found himself agreeing to spar with the gladiator, using a sword. It had, as to be expected, not gone well.

“Why are you enjoying this?” yelped Lance as he danced away from the gladiator and tried to beat it away with the flat of his sword, he had meant to use the sharp edge but it was harder than he thought. Keith’s only answer was his laughter.

Lance rolled his eyes and focused on the gladiator again. This couldn’t be that hard, it was just a sword fight, Keith did this all the time. That thinking of course was what got him into this mess, a challenge after Keith had mocked his blaster as a coward’s weapon. ‘It takes more skill than jabbing someone with the pointy end’ Lance had said in retort, now he wished he could take it back because of course there were spare Altean swords lying around and of course Keith would demand he spar with the gladiator to prove how easy it was.

“End training sequence,” commanded Keith through his laughter.

 The gladiator seemed to hesitate as though it couldn’t understand the order through the breathless chuckles. Lance hadn’t seen him laugh so freely since the food fight. He was glad Keith had called off the gladiator just so that he had the chance to really appreciate Keith’s joy. When he laughed, he smiled with his whole face from chin to forehead, his eyes crinkled, his mouth was wide, and his happiness was overwhelming in its sincerity. Lance was breathless. He was senseless with the overwhelming need to capture this moment but it was too big, too magical to be contained. So instead he resolved in his heart that he would be back here again and that he’d learn how to make Keith laugh like this, that he’d make Keith happy, even if he had to get his head nearly whacked off by a gladiator nightly to do it.

“Why are you staring at me?” Keith asked finally, his shoulders rising and falling with soft laughter.

“I’m thinking about how funny it would be to see you get thrown on your ass by the blaster kick.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “I should’ve let the gladiator shove you around a bit more.”

Lance walked over and bumped his shoulder lightly with his own. “Nah, you like me too much. We’re a team.”

“Yeah,” Keith’s voice was soft. “I suppose I do.”

The ground had never felt so stable beneath Lance’s feet.

  


* * *

  


Lance didn’t think anything of it when one night Hunk and Pidge detained him to play their new card game they’d invented. They played for hours, filling the room with inside jokes from Garrison days. Pidge smashed them both, laying down their winning hand for the fifth time with a vicious smirk on their face.

“Sure you don’t want to make bets boys?” They asked, shuffling the cards for another round. Hunk and Lance both bowed out. Pidge called them sore losers but stifled a yawn in the same breath. It was high time they all went to bed.

When Lance got to his hallway he saw that Keith sat just outside his room, leaning against his door with his legs curled up to his chest and head resting on his knees. Lance wondered how long he’d been waiting and felt a pang of guilt go through him. It wasn’t like he had promised Keith to find him after training every night but it had become pattern and he should have gone and invited him to play cards with Hunk and Pidge, or at the very least told him he was busy. He just, had never imagined Keith would wait to find him.

“Hey,” Lance’s voice was soft as he held out a hand to help Keith up. Keith took it with a smile.

“Hey.”

“Sorry I was with Hunk and Pidge.”

“Don’t worry about it Lance, its fine. I just had something I needed to tell you.” Keith worried at his lip and Lance wasn’t sure what was coming, how to brace himself for impact. There was nothing that could have prepared him for what Keith said next though.

“My favourite place on Earth was that shack in the desert, it was the closest I thought I’d ever get to another world and it was the first place that had been my own, it made me feel free. I get claustrophobic really easily, sometimes I go sit in Red because the Castle feels too oppressive. My favourite colour is purple. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fire fighter when I grew up. I don’t have a favourite person outside of the Paladins. I never had a childhood pet but I wanted an owl because of Harry Potter.” Keith took a deep breath as his eyes flitted over the ceiling, his chest rising and falling rapidly.  “I’m sure I asked you more questions than I just gave answers but, I just, thought you deserved something in return for all you’ve given me.”

If Lance wasn’t so stunned he might’ve kissed him in that moment. Instead, he wrapped his arms round Keith and pressed his face into his mullet and he might’ve been crying but he wasn’t too sure of anything in that moment. For the first time, he let go of the image of the hero he wanted to be because none of it mattered, he wasn’t that person yet, he may never be, he was scared and this moment was too fragile and nothing was perfect and yet everything was. He wasn’t the hero he’d created for himself when he was a child, but that child couldn’t have imagined this, and this moment? This was enough.

  


* * *

  


After that night it was easy to fall into a routine. Allura and Coran’s training exercises took up the morning, sometimes most of the afternoon. When they were over he’d eat with Hunk or Pidge or both, they’d drift off to help with Castle maintenance or learn more about Altean tech. Lance would find a space lemonade and kick his feet back, unless Coran found him and put him to work.

Before bed, he’d find Keith finishing up his cool down stretches, he’d plop on the floor and start talking. Keith would butt in with questions that Lance was happy to answer. Keith was talking more and more ever since he’d opened up the other night but, Lance always seemed to have more to say and Keith was happier listening.

The more they talked, the quieter Lance’s memories were in his head. In all the conversations he never brought up soul mates. There was no way to do it without revealing he knew who his was and he didn’t want to lie to Keith. Keith, thankfully, never asked. With each night Lance felt lighter, the weight of his past lessened as the ice that trapped him melted away and he found new ways to move forward.

The monotony of space wasn’t so bad with a routine like that. Lance usually didn’t like having it disrupted; especially since the monotony tended to only be broken by life-threatening fights and flying headfirst into danger. Which, don’t get Lance wrong, was definitely fun but it was nice to have some time that created something, normal. However, an exception was made for the party being thrown in their honour that night. His monotony could be disrupted by as many parties as the universe wanted to throw him. They’d had a victorious day of clearing a planet of Galra threat and said humanoid planet had a sick night scene and were throwing a whole street party slash high class bar crawl with free drinks in the Paladins honour. Victory plus alcohol plus honour party equals a very happy Lance.

Zurfet was so much like Earth that if it weren’t for the four moons and the constant green tinge to the sky, Lance could’ve convinced himself they’d just stopped at home for a bit. Arguably there was also the fact that the aliens were, well, alien. Blue skin, long talons on their eight fingers and four eyes that eerily shone in the same silver tone as the moons above were all that set them apart, but it was enough to remind Lance he was far, far from home. So he threw his arm round Keith and directed him into bars, took shots with him, taught him some dance moves that he mimicked atrociously. It was fun. He was in bars that looked the same as the ones back home, drinking alcohol that tasted like nothing he’d ever tried before, with a boy who was a hero and believed he was one too and he should’ve known that it wouldn’t last.

They were in the fifth bar of the night, the adults had all drifted off; Coran had stayed away from the festivities from the beginning as the last battle had taken quite a bit out of the castle and he wanted to get the repairs underway as swiftly as possible. Shiro and Allura had gone off somewhere ‘more befitting the elite’ to discuss politics and diplomacy with the leaders of this planet. So, with no parental supervision, they all felt free to cut loose.

Hunk was partying like he had back on Earth, dancing  on a table with a crowd around him, belting out songs from home at the top of his voice to music that sounded nothing like the instruments back home. Pidge was with Lance, rolling their eyes and adding snarky remarks to Lance’s stories but mostly staring at Hunk in shock. They hadn’t come on many of Lance and Hunk’s escapades away from the Garrison and they’d never seen him act like this. It was a wild experience for them. They were also having far too much fun laughing at Lance’s piss poor attempts at flirting with the alien babe tucked under his arm who apparently decided that Lance was making fun of her because of all Pidge’s laughter and ditched him.

“What are you trying to do?” asked Pidge, their voice was suddenly too knowing, too calculating and Lance hated how transparent he must be. When Lance followed Pidge’s line of sight, he realised they had finally seen Keith perched on a bar on the other side of the room chatting with a tall, muscled Zurfet male. Keith’s face was flushed red, his hand rest on their shoulder, he was smiling and laughing and beautiful and Lance couldn’t bear it. No matter how close they got, Keith would still seek comfort in another’s arms, would still fall in love with some who burned as brightly as he did maybe over and over again, without ever finding the boundless ocean of love that Lance had for him. All there was for Lance, was Keith. Not because of fate, although he was sure it had a hand, but because of that smile and that laugh, that heart and that spirit. He was kidding himself if he thought Keith would ever feel the same.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Lance downed the drink in his hand and slid the cup onto the table beside them and shoved himself off the wall. His lungs ached. He had to distract himself.

“You know Hunk told me about you and Keith.” Pidge said.

Lance shrugged that betrayal off and started slipping back into the crowd. “What does it matter when he doesn’t care? Look, I want to have some fun, we’re the resistance, Defenders of the Universe.” He faux saluted to Pidge and stepped into the fray with a roar, “no one can resist us!”

The night quickly turned into a blur of colours, blues and greens, ocean and sky, the colours of home made him feel safe. He wasn’t sure if he’d drunk too much or if this planet simply spun too quickly through space but he felt like the whole world was moving around him and he was the centre of it all, unsteady and unbalanced but pivotal to the whole machinery of the galaxy. He was a part of something so much bigger than himself and it was monumental. The thud of the music was his heartbeat. He was pulsing with the life of everyone around him. This was where he belonged, surrounded by noise, by people, by joy, by colours, by life. He revelled in it, lost himself in it, remade himself as someone living their first and only life born on a dance floor for one night and one night only.  

He moved from dance partner to dance partner, swaying with them and holding them tight when his feet felt too unsteady to hold him up. Only one partner clung back, a tall male who ground his body against Lance’s and whispered sweet nothings in his ear in the brief pauses between the clamorous music. Lance was grateful that those talons didn’t rip apart his waist as strong hands held him tightly and led him off to a dark corner, sliding him into a booth. They left him alone for a moment, returning with more drinks and a hundred questions about life on Earth that Lance was more than happy to answer. He was good at answering questions, he was good at talking and he did this a lot. He just couldn’t quite thing of why he was so good at this, everything was blurry inside his head. 

“You’re a great pilot,” they said as the leaned across the table to stroke a talon lightly down Lance’s neck, “so strong and brave.” 

“We all have to be strong and brave,” Lance grinned as he leaned into their touch, “but everyone knows the Blue Paladin is the handsomest most charismatic of the bunch.” 

“You are all most impressive warriors, the Princess must be proud to call you hers,” they said, Lance grimaced about to tell them that he wasn’t the Princess’ anything but they were already continuing their speech. “Unlike that Red Paladin. He seems like a bit of a loose blaster if you know what I’m saying. You must know what I mean, you are actually expected to fly with him. I do not understand how anyone could connect well enough to form Voltron with such a broken weapon. I hope he is merely a stand in and that you are looking for someone more suitable to fight against the Galra Empire in future.” 

They were still leaning over the table, four eyes blinking slowly in a way that reminded Lance of his older sister’s cat. He’d always hated that cat. 

They clearly thought they were being smart, that Lance would agree and maybe once upon a time he would’ve risen to the occasion, but this was supposed to be a happy night and Keith was somewhere in this bar (unless he’d moved on, Lance hadn’t lost track of him after throwing himself into the crowd) and he was happy too and if he overheard this he’d be hurt. Lance was furious hearing it. Yeah he’d insulted Keith plenty of times but he’d never used such an acidic tone, he would never sound so derogatory because he never truly believed the insults he threw down. Lance was allowed to mock Keith because they were connected, they were soul mates, because despite everything Keith was never going to choose him anyway so Lance could say what he liked. Keith didn’t even choose to stay by his side for one night of fun and revelry. But this was what they had, they were connected by fate, by Voltron, by family and this stranger had no right to mock any of that.

“You listen to me,” Lance slammed his hands down on the table so hard that despite the thunderous music half the bar’s attention snapped to him, he paid them no mind. He was a man on a mission and he would not be stopped. He leaned forward, right in the Zurfet guys beautiful blue face, so close he could see the specks of dark in his eyes like craters, and snarled. “Keith is one of the greatest pilots I have ever flown with. There’s no questioning that he’s hot-headed but his instincts are incredible, he has saved my life ten times over at least. He is brave and strong and can fight better than anyone I’ve ever seen and that’s saying something because I’ve had my ass handed to me all across the galaxy. 

Keith is a lot of things, he is impatient and reckless, he’s stubborn and his fashion sense was inspired by a Pokemon trainer aesthetic mood board but I will be damned, if I let you insult him because he is good and he is kind. It’s hidden under brooding silence but I know that it’s there. He’s the Guardian of Fire you dickhead, he burns brightly. He’s a bonfire, he’s violent and uncontrollable, but he’s also the comforting warmth of the hearth at home and I will not let anyone put that fire out, got it? Maybe he is a little broken but I’d like to see you walk down the paths he has and come out whole. So you, you can shove those insults right up your ass since that’s where you’re talking from.” 

Lance wasn’t sure his speech made any sense. He shoved himself away from the table and stormed away still fuming with a hundred more things he wanted to say but as a Paladin he was a diplomatic leader yada yada. He’d already done enough damage. There was no resistance as he left the bar, no one wanted to get in his way and he was grateful for it. 

Out in the night air he finally allowed himself to breathe properly. His head cleared nearly instantly, whatever the booze was on this planet it was nice that it didn’t linger in the system. He heard footsteps fall into step behind him and then Hunk’s gentle humming started up, the familiar tune of ‘ten guitars’ a stark contrast to the dub-step-banjo-hybrid sounding music of the planet. Honestly, how had he danced to this for hours? Walking down the streets past bar after bar of the same music, all Lance wanted was to get back to the Castle of Lions, to the soft blue lights and quiet halls, to curl in his bed with a nest of blankets and sleep the memories of this night away. 

 “You were dancing with a pretty girl, moved on from Shay?” Lance asked. It was a low blow, they all knew Hunk wasn’t over Shay at all. Lance suspected, if it was possible, they might be soul mates. He was about to apologise but when he looked back Hunk was smiling softly staring at the stars. 

“Wow you’re really going to change the subject that fast?” Hunk asked. “If only your evasive manoeuvres were this efficient piloting Blue.”

“I’m so glad I have you in my hour of need.”

“After that display I don’t think you’re the one who needs comforting. You traumatised the guy.”  

“Then go comfort him.” 

“Nah. I’m ready to go back to the castle, sleep off whatever the hell I drank and forget a lot of what just happened. You better hope Keith forgets too or you’ll have some explaining to do.” 

“He heard?” 

“Yeah probably, the music got turned down since your speech was more entertaining. Even Shiro and Allura had come back to join us and coincidentally to witness your outburst. Allura looked so proud of you, also like she was about to go over there and tear that guy a new one since it was clear he said something, pretty awful about Keith,” Hunk said. 

“Great.” Lance threw his arms to the sky and realised somewhere in the night he’d lost his shirt. “Just, fucking, great.” 

  


* * *

  


Lance was ambushed before he even made it to breakfast. He stepped out of his room and made to go down the hall when a hand clasped his shoulder and spun him back around, bringing him face to face with a confused Keith. “What’s wrong?”

Lance struggled for a lie. Everything they’d built together was in ruins around him after one night of, what? Nothing. That was how fragile this was. Or maybe just how fragile he was. His ghosts were screaming in his ears and he couldn’t shut them out anymore and it hurt. He wondered if this was the moment the floor was falling out beneath him, the five nooses round his neck would finally get it over with and he found that he barely cared. He wasn’t sure what exactly he’d said in his rant last night but he knew that he laid his heart bare in a way he’d never wanted to. 

He could hardly tell Keith the truth, that he wasn’t good enough, that he would never be good enough but he was greedy and selfish and wanted more than he was allowed. That while Keith’s friendship meant so much to him, he wanted more and had no idea how to progress their relationship. For all his flirting and grandeur he hadn’t had a relationship in any of his lifetimes. Where was he supposed to begin? Keith being his soul mate didn’t exactly help since all they’d done was become tentative friends.

Lance didn’t know what was worse; being close and wanting more or ruining everything. Way back when they first found the lions they had to choose to risk everything for the shot at forming Voltron or to hedge their bets and play it safe, keep what they had, cut their losses; Lance felt like he was in the same situation all over again. Rationally he knew the consequences were less serious but, love wasn’t rational and the sad truth was he was madly in love with Keith. He had wanted to run with the lions and he had been wrong then, maybe he should find the courage to stand and fight now. 

Although he and Keith were getting closer they were still so far apart. Risking their relationship wasn’t a small gamble, it threatened the very foundations of Voltron. They were the universe’s last hope. He was a paladin first, a disgruntled soul mate second. Unlike his other lifetimes, he could not afford to break and, losing Keith would shatter him so completely he didn’t think there was any strength that could piece him back together. But he was also a Paladin first and a cowardly soul mate second; if he didn’t fix this, Voltron would suffer. Between a rock and a hard place Lance had to make a decision. 

“Lance?” whispered Keith, his hand traced down Lance’s arm to clasp his hand and he tried to catch his eye. “Please talk to me.” 

Lance hated that he was a crier. He didn’t know where the tears came from but he choked on a sob and there was nothing inside of him but past failures, past lives, past promises and he couldn’t do this. Keith was saying his name again, his voice was breaking and Lance hated himself so much in that moment because he didn’t want to hurt Keith.

“I’m just really tired since, uh you know, big night and all,” Lance attempted his usual chuckle between sniffs. 

“Lance, don’t be like that. I know you, don’t lie to me. What’s wrong?” 

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Lance shrugged. 

“Try me.” There was no force in Keith’s voice, only sincerity, a genuine need for Lance to open up to him. Maybe that was why Lance took a deep breath, forced back the tears and started talking. 

“Would you believe this is my sixth life? Crazy right.” Lance said. “But, it’s true. This is my sixth life and I’ve had five soul mates before now and none of them could compare to you.” 

“What are you saying?” Keith asked. Lance couldn’t bring himself to look, but he heard the confusion that he knew would be written all across Keith’s face. He was an open book and Lance loved that about him. 

Lance stared at the ceiling and tried again. “You’re my soul mate. When I look at you I feel as though I’m falling through this life into five others that I don’t want to go back to because I only want to be here with you. I didn’t tell you because, you don’t owe me anything. I get that you don’t feel a connection. At first I just wanted to be closer to you but I’m greedy and I want more and I don’t think I can just be friends with you.” 

“You’re an idiot.” Keith said. 

Lance choked and sobbed, he had prepared himself for Keith’s rejection but somehow he didn’t expect him to be so cruel. His sob became jagged and hitched, he released a near hysteric laugh as he realised how much of an idiot he was for trying. Why did he think this life would be any different? He was still the same, broken and pathetic. The chances of – he froze when Keith’s hands cupped his face, wiping away his tears. Lance stared at him, unsure of what was happening. 

“I have always felt connected to you. I didn’t know I was hurting you because I thought I was imagining things. I feel connected to all the Paladins. I’ve always just figured this was a Voltron thing.” 

“Way to make a guy feel special.” Lance chuckled sarcastically. 

“No, that’s not,” Keith made a distressed noise in the back of his throat and pulled Lance down to wrap his arms right round his neck. “You are special. You mean so much to me. I’m not good with words Lance, I can’t, I don’t know how to say this right but, you are my soul mate. I know it because I am connected to you and because I chose you a long time ago and that is what matters.” 

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how you said that.” Lance whispered. “Would now be a bad time to say I think I’m in love with you?” 

When Lance closed his eyes and felt Keith’s smile, a mirror to his own, against his lips; for that one moment, there were no ghosts, no nooses, no knives, only this life and these hearts and the promise of forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> I live off validation so if you thought this was pretty alright please let me know? 
> 
> [this](https://youtu.be/e9ZlADL1TqM) song was my biggest inspiration for this fic, hence the title 
> 
> Feel free to chat to me over on [tumblr](http://dreamsofbooksandmonsters.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/nawsies)


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